Welcome

Yeah, so welcome to my blog. This will be the place where I let out my thoughts, in case I don't really have anyone to let them out to. Besides that it'll also be the place where I better my sentence structuring as well as my interpunction, they can be sloppy at times.

The setup of this website is quite low effort, it's based on a Next.js blog template and will be hosted for free on Vercel. I've gotten quite tired of monthly payments for things like Spotify, Cloud servers, et cetera. So I've decided to save up on this thing.

So now that the introductions are out of the way:

One of the reasons I've decided to start this blog is mostly due to the stuff that I've gone through the last month and a half. To save a lot of writing: I started dating a girl, for the first time, from the start of April until the start of July. I had a lot of good times with her, but around June she expressed how she wasn't sure whether she had enough feelings for it to be a full-on relationship.

During that 3-month stint, the night she expressed that, was where it kind of went downhill. Not as in that everytime I saw her after that, we started growing apart. It was more that the days following that night, I started having these messed up, toxic thoughts. Some of them were self-deprecating, and some even resenting towards her.

During the talk in which she expressed the doubts she had, she told me she had a body count of 20+. And I'm gonna be very honest here: to this day, that still stings. She was my first time, and her somehow having slept with 20 other guys despite the 2 year age gap (she was older), is crazy to me.

Something that's also important to mention, I cried next to her in bed for a short bit after that conversation. She comforted me while I was, which I'd like to thank her for. I've been putting her in a very bad light so far. But please keep in mind that she'll probably have a special place in my heart for as long as I live.

After that night/morning I didn't see her for a week due to her going on vacation/trip with a (girl) friend of hers. When we started seeing each other again we had a good talk about it. Thing with that talk was, that I was somewhat putting on a masquerade. Even though I'd say I'm quite emotionally intelligent. The thoughts I had inbetween seeing her are far from mature.

These thoughts I had and still have quite sometimes, are most likely the cause of a family life which differs from the average person (no father figure, only child living with just mother). And being a late bloomer when it comes to girls and relationships. They range from obsesiveness, to insecurity, to straight up hate and spite.

So while I'm talking to her and other people, I just acted normal and calm. It wasn't like I was mental inside, but whilst being around other people, I find it easier to think rationally.

So after that talk we continued dating for a month: we went to a restaurant in my old hometown for my birthday, we viewed the sunset on a beach, we cooked for each other (not that much, i hate cooking), went on walks, and I even got to meet her parents (they liked me :D). But this is where I put myself further off the rails. Because I had never done these things with a girl before, I had the idea that within that month in which we continued dating, I had practically won her over.

That idea which gradually and unconciously had built up in my mind during June to July, was pretty much the setup for disaster which ensued on July 3rd. So before I start writing about what happened on that day (it's not that major, don't hype yourself up), I'd like to talk about the night before that.

So on July 2nd, during a text conversation, she told me the following: "It feels like I haven't seen you for a long time". Whilst writing our her message just now, I thought, "it doesn't really matter how long I hadn't seen her for, I won't check". But curiosity got the best of me, she wrote that after we hadn't seen each other for 5 days.

Now keep in mind, that even though I had quite some crazy thoughts after she expressed doubts for a long-term relationship (the June thing). I was mentally A-OK when she texted me that, because I had convinced myself that I had won her over, and there was almost no way it wouldn't work out. One of the reasons I thought that, was because she noted only 3 (not sure, it was a small number), people had seen her parents before, including a guy she dated whilst she was like 17. In my opinion that guy doesn't even count, since she was young.

Moving on, because she texted me that, quite out of the blue, without any previous messages from me. I let my free will have its way and thought "why not give her a quick visit?". And so I did. I went to her apartment (it was a room technically, I hate it now that I'm thinking about it again) in the evening and got to see her again!

But here's the beginning of the end: when she let me in, she shows that she was watching Netflix, so I lay next to her and start watching along. However, she was quite moody. I expressed how I wanted to do something else (it was Squid Game S3, probably the most boring thing I've watched in a long time). To which she replied "What else would you like to do?, stare at the wall?". To which I was dumbfounded, what for obtuse type of answer is that? But in the end I thought "well, there's not much to do here, so I guess she has a point". So we kept watching for a bit, and before I went home, I gave her a kiss and a hug and left.

Now here it is: the day after that, in the evening, she texts me saying she'd started doubting her feelings for me again. When I read this, my heart sank quite a bit. But I also had questions which came up in in my mind. So I started asking when the doubt had started again, to which she replied "honestly, since last night".

Now I'm not even gonna bother writing out the back and forth I had with her, trying to understand it all, hoping she stays with me. But she told me that she's gonna give it some more thought and come back with an answer ASAP. And that if were to see each other again, it'd be just drinks and the usual, no sleeping at hers for the time being.

So the next day, during lunch at work, I texted her whether she wanted to meet at the place we had our first date, 5 days from then. To which she replied that she had finished thinking about it, and decided that she didn't want to continue dating anymore. She didn't text me ASAP because she didn't want to do so whilst I was at work.

But I honestly couldn't be happier that she told me whilst I was at work. Because if I read this while being in my room at home, I would've bursted out in tears. Like I mentioned before, whilst being around other people. I find it very easy to stay calm. But when it's just me, my thoughts often get the best of me.

So whilst I was at work I texted her calmly and we arranged to see each other one last time.

Writer's note: from here on out the pacing gets a bit sluggish, and I get quite emotional.

Whilst we saw each other for the last time I asked her "how did you even start having doubts again after that night?". Since it was such a short (2-3 hours), time I saw her. To which she replied "my feelings can sway quite a lot sometimes", at which I again, was dumbfounded.

I still don't understand and genuinely still feel quite some resentment for just having my heartbroken over a presumed "sway" of her feelings for me. She hadn't mentioned her having these to me before whatsoever. How would you even go about a long-term relationship then?

Would you divorce your husband just because 7 years down the line, you're feelings swayed whilst you watched Fargo with him the other night? It's crazy to me, but that's also where my toxic thoughts come in. Even though I know it's better to just let her go, since her feelings are not something I can control. I sometimes still feed myself the thought that I'm good for her.

During that last time I saw her her, she said something she didn't like about me was that I was emotional. She told me because I asked her specifically. She also noted that she's looking for someone which fits into her life perfectly, and that she's well aware that that's very hard.

I also feel resentment towards her for that. The chance of someone like that living near her, and her even finding and meeting that person are very small. And even if they fit very well, what if they start doing things you don't like? Are they forced to just live like how you envision them?

So to put our time together to a close, we had one last walk which ended in me getting sentimental, crying and saying "if i hadn't swiped right, we would've never met and we wouldn't have gotten to know each other whatsoever." Even thought it sounds very corny, and stupidly sentimental. I still stand behind that statement. I think that ever since I turned 21, I've gotten very sentimental when it comes to certain things. I think I need to tone down a bit when it comes to that.

Another writer's note: just had a cry again, I don't really want to write anymore. But I've got to get it all out.

So from then I started getting into road cycling. Partially as a means to cope, but also because I genuinely like it. I didn't mention this before, but she introduced me to it. It was also something she raised on her dating profile. At first I thought it was lame, but after watching the Tour de France, I really started liking it.

We still follow each other on Instagram and Strava, but my crazy self thought it was a good idea to ride the same route she did, near her parents house, twice. I even texted her with a video of me doing so (today). And I'm quite ashamed of myself. Not even gonna dissect why doing so is crazy. I originally told her I was gonna beat her and her brother, when I saw her for the last time. While I still wanna do that (already beat some PRs of her, lol). I'm gonna just focus on myself, and take beating them as a bonus which comes a long the way.

Even though I didn't wanna write anymore, I felt that the cycling bit was also quite important because it somewhat outlines the situation I've put myself in. Me cycling is tied to her somewhat, which makes it hard to forget her, even though I genuinely like cycling out of my own interest.

Thanks for reading, until the next.

River